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Michael Jordan speaks.....

Gay Cowboy

By Gay Cowboy,
in Charlotte Hornets

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LeBron takes stage with Dan Gilbert, applause breaks out from the press room as the two shake hands. LeBron holds up Gilbert's arm in an expression of unity and victory, reporters stand as Cav fans break down doors and spill into the conference room. Riotous cheering breaks out, tears are shed, Cavs fans hug one another.

LeBron suddenly hits Gilbert with a Rock Bottom. As LeBron stands over his would-be team owner he throws back his head with maniacal laughter. He wipes his nikes on Gilbert's twitching form, wagging his finger at the cameras. "Y'all should've seen this coming! This was foretold! I am the KING, bahahaha!" LeBron removes the Cavs uniform and throws it on the stage floor. People are weeping now. Screaming in anger.

An explosion - the doors to the conference room burst open - it's Kevin Love! In full T-Wolves gear he storms the stage. With LeBron frightened out onto the floor, Love helps Gilbert to his feet. The crowd explodes anew with cheers as Love reaches to the podium, grabs the clipboard and signs the attached contract. LeBron plays to the crowd in anger, hands on hips, scowling and muttering as the mocking chants begin from the crowd.

Without warning, Kevin Love rears back with the contract and strikes Gilbert in the head with it. For some reason Marv Albert is present:

ALBERT: "My goodness, Gilbert is down and Love is ... is smiling! James comes to the stage and is embracing Kevin Love!" My god, what else could happen here tonight?"

LeBron signs his name to the contract before revealing to the audience the awful truth: On the back of the clipboard is a Los Angeles Lakers logo.

"Rape Me" by Nirvana begins to play as a sunglasses-wearing Kobe Bryant emerges from behind the stage. He hands Love and LeBron custom Lakers jerseys as the crowd openly boos and weeps, their world falling apart. LeBron, Love, & Kobe embrace a hug and continue to laugh at the Cleveland crowd as they taunt them, waving their Lakers uniforms.

Then, suddenly, "Glass Shatters" by Disturbed blasts from the loudspeakers. The crowd erupts! PJ Hairston comes roaring towards the stage on his ATV. He jumps on stage and grabs a microphone. He gets right in LeBron's face. "What?" **WHAT?** What? **WHAT?** You think you're the King? **WHAT?** You think this is your decision? **WHAT?** Joining up with Kobe? **WHAT?** In LA? **WHAT?**

PJ turns and faces Kobe - "I think you're the biggest piece of crap I've ever laid my eyes on. If y'all wanna see PJ open up a can of whoopass on this Charlotte Hornets hating sumbitch, gimme a hell yeah!" **HELL YEAH!**

PJ drops the mic and hits Kobe with a stunner, then leaves the media room as the crowd again erupts in cheers.

ALBERT: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is horrifying. The betrayal I have witnessed here tonight is unspeakable! How can LeBron do this again?! He's sold his soul to the devil folks!! And why is PJ here?? .....And - wait....why, why is he here?!?!"

To the shock of everyone, it's Michael Jordan!!! The crowd comes to life as Jordan, puffing on a cigar and laughing his ass off, comes to the stage, takes the contract, and speaks into the podium microphone: "Always read the fine print, boys - Ladies and gentleman, I'd like to introduce you to the newest 2 members of ... the Charlotte Hornets!"

Kobe is incensed. LeBron immediately calls Magic Johnson up and begins weeping. Kevin Love gets right in Jordan's face and receives a double-bird for his trouble. "No Chance In Hell" fills the room as Jordan struts his way out, mass confusion and anger left in his wake. The crowd is speechless and stunned. LeBron & Love are left in disbelief.

ALBERT: "Folks, this is the most bizarre turn of events in NBA history! I can't believe what I just saw! How - I - what's going on?! Michael Jordan has f*cked Cleveland yet again. Unbelievable!"

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