PhillyB

lmao cam is the police

this is precisely the same as those saints fans calling the police to report internet impersonation of their leader when we sabotaged the free sean payton rally

fuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrgggghhhhh

no no nonono

can't fuging wait!

proceeds will go to the send-phillyb-and-his-wife-on-a-five-year-anniversary-trip-since-they're-both-in-grad-school-and-both-worked-during-it fund

haha nice! what's your twitter handle?

tweet it to the panthers and players and see if they'll buy it

thanks mrs wormwood

how much do you want for it

it's cubist, so both

good catch... got some yellow ochre on my screen there

i felt my articles have become overly formulaic, so i decided to switch it up this week (and you can't turn on creativity like a faucet, so when it comes you gotta channel that poo. i spent about 30 hours on the cubist piece alone) besides, everything i was going to say about schemes was broken down beautifully here already, so it would've been redundant.

yes

These original oil-on-canvas works of art are available for purchase together as a collection. Bidding starts at $400 for the two of them. Art is an appreciating commodity, and when I win the 2017 Pulitzer Prize for literature this will be worth many times such a paltry investment. You may submit your bids in conjunction with any excessive adulation below. :-)

Once in a generation fate bestows upon some heretofore nonchalant naif a glimpse of the divine: the ineffable wonder of something so brilliant, something so unspeakably awesome that it transcends the human collection of senses. Once in a generation the lucky man or woman may lay eyes on such a sight and see his or her response echo through eternity. Joan of Arc heard a divine word, Katherine Lee Bates eyed the Colorado prairie from atop Pike's Peak, Blaise Pascal felt joy, joy - oceans of joy! Thusly inspired, all of them performed their magnum opus, their life's greatest feat, soon after. What a gift! Oh to be Francis Collins, bursting into the tavern at Cambridge University and screaming his triumph to the world after unlocking the human genome sequence. "We've found the secret to life!" he roared, at the zenith of his life. A dark and stormy night on November 2, 2015 found tens of thousands of Carolina faithful presented with precisely such a gift: an experience so incredible as to be considered transcendent, something so inspiring that in various and sundry ways it demands an outlet, some kind of release. I needed such a release, and it took the form of art. Following are a pair of paintings I, voiceless and glowing, consumed by my inspiration following the victory over the Colts, crafted as a commemorative collection. Each painting is accompanied by an interpretation of style and content as well as its bearing on the win. Without further ado: Out of Luck oil on canvas, 13x17" Monday Night Football was a cathartic experience, a veritable pendulum of emotions. From the early turnovers and apparent dominance to stagnation, surge, and then drastic collapse, hearts and lungs bled down the steps of every deck, mingling with a cold gray rain that, like the Colts, would not acquiesce to the desires of the crowd. It was a frustrating night: maddening penalties, maddening lack of penalties, incompetent reviews, missed opportunities. Lots of missed opportunities. But Andrew Luck's fear was palpable in overtime, and when it mattered the most a pair of stalwarts - budding superstar Luke Keuchly and grizzled veteran Roman Harper - combined to make a play that cut the legs out from under the Colts overtime drive and set Carolina up for the game-winning field goal. Out of Luck is represented in cubist style. A product of the early 20th century, cubism is an avant-garde art style made popular by the likes of Picasso and Braque. Influenced in concept by Cézanne, it is a form of abstract art that eliminates a single perspective, instead displaying subjects from multiple angles on the same dimensional medium. This often leads to a fractured look, as in the painting above. A lot is going on in that scene: Andrew Luck is winding up for the game-sealing interception, his line of sight fixed fearfully on Luke Keuchly's presence. But fans in the stands see something different: Roman Harper's hand, his body marginalized but his digits critically placed, poised for a victorious ball-tipping. Rain streaks from the somber sky, flags litter the fractured landscape, and the football field, like a Dalí painting, melts off the side of an abstracted dimension, the number's fluidity perhaps a metaphor for whimsical spots offered by the referees for four quarters of football. Perseverance in Cerulean, No. 1 oil on canvas, 13x17" Accepting the comeback prowess of a talent-stocked team in the National Football League is one thing. Accepting the outcome-defining agency of neutral parties expected to arbitrate fairly is quite another, and the entire second half was marred by atrociously poor refereeing. Carolina's every advance came in the face of miserable judgement calls, from phantom pass interferences on Greg Olsen to the infamous fourth-down ruling of a completion, upheld in the face of staggering evidence to the contrary. Perseverance in Cerulean, No. 1 is a reflection on the infuriating obstacles faced by the Panthers, and in particular quarterback Cam Newton. It is painted in the tradition of an early 20th century German artistic movement called Der Blaue Reiter. It was a critical part of expressionist styles in that century, and while it lacked any strict rules of composition, it was known for the use of the color blue. Blue is the color of spirituality in this movement: the surging desire for spiritual awakening comes in its darkest hues. Here in the painting Cam Newton stands, hidden at first glance, in the maddening landscape of blotted black and shredded white: a metaphor for the stifling tenor of refereeing in that game. In the face of pressure's most unfair manifestation, Newton stands tall: his helmet faces forward, his shoulders squared, posture loose and confident. Determined, stalwart, a man cool and calculated in the face of bone-cracking pressure. Radiating blue, he and his spiritual presence transcend the dark malaise imposed by an atmosphere of institutionalized hopelessness. Cam Newton persevered. The genesis of this gallery constitutes a tribute to the resiliency of the 2015 Carolina Panthers in all their undefeated glory. The team has cultivated a culture of winning, of transcendence - and as any artist will tell you, there is no greater subject for the palette and brush than the wonder and mystery of human transcendence. Behold the expressionist death of the Colts. View full article

great work

no doubt. luckily the rain is supposed to hit the hardest early on, so hopefully they'll fug up royally and we'll get a turnover or six

haaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

i'm not sure i'm a big fan, but i'm a luddite when it comes to aesthetics soooo

human diaspora theories make the news every couple of years when some new evidence is found and shakes everything up, and the kon-tiki experiment is usually brought up since it's the biggest pop culture reference that everyone gets. by contrast mentioning the solutrean migration hypothesis will get blank stares

that's very candide of you