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PhillyB

ROOKIE
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  1. finally got the stomach to read this. this is some of your best work imo, which makes it that much more tragic. last one is iconic. that poo needs to be printed in black and white, framed, and sat next to a color image of cam when he wins super bowl.
  2. yeah they skewered me on that one. thank god this is the last game i have to write for, it's been exhausting ponying up original content week after week. bilbo is now officially my sacrificial idgaf lamb
  3. poo yeah you're right. man my creative energy is fried on these things, i'm glad it's almost over
  4. he's both the magic (we never lose when he says something dumb) and the father's blessing (after we win the super bowl jeremy will reveal it was his account all along) you wouldn't be the first to to do it
  5. you'll need more than five hours but the first five hours should be pretty fun. really the first half of the book is the best, it's a great way to basically rip through like 400 different popular stories globally.
  6. comparative mythology has kinda fallen out of focus in academia nowadays so it's definitely a product of its time but everyone should read it. http://www.amazon.com/Thousand-Faces-Collected-Joseph-Campbell/dp/1577315936
  7. One of the unique features of humans is that we have the ability to tell stories about ourselves. And we've done just that, since the dawn of time. Some scholars argue that stories began in conjunction with the invention of controlled fire, others that it came about with the arrival of language structure and the ability to self-reflect. Whatever the origin, we've been spinning yarns for as long as anyone can remember. Faded cave paintings in Europe and the existence of millennia-old oral tales bear testament to this fact. Gilgamesh, Sisyphus, Star Wars, Back to the Future, The Karate Kid, Finding Nemo - all of them are human stories about meaning. And all of them are the same. So argued Joseph Campbell, a profoundly influential 20th century writer who penned the now-famous work The Hero with a Thousand Faces. In it, he compares hundreds of myths (stories, legends, tales, epics, dramas, folklore) from across all times and places and argues (very convincingly) that those stories have an internal structure that is more or less the same across the board. Every story has its hero, and every hero follows the same basic pattern, encounters the same basic trials, receives the same basic help, faces the same basic obstacles, completes the same basic end. Joseph Campbell calls it The Hero's Journey. Troll 2 was cited as a notable exception. The Hero's Journey is composed of 17 stages. The stages are variable in order, but the hero - whether it's Luke Skywalker or Marty McFly or Frodo Baggins - always begins in an ordinary world, in which he receives an initiation. It's a call to adventure: Luke was smitten with the lore of the Jedi when he met old Ben Kenobi, Marty rushed to the scene of Doc Brown's time experiment and was interrupted by Libyan terrorists, and Frodo bounded joyfully out of the Shire, shouting it to anyone who would listen. I'm going on an adventure! Out of the ordinary world our heroes inevitably journey, their departure leading them into the world of the extraordinary, the other, a place of trial and temptation and initiation. They fight and they fall and they grow and they triumph, and every hero's journey ends in a return, a heart-swelling finish: Jesus to the Heavens, Nemo to the reef, Simba to the pride. And, goddammit, the Super Bowl Champion Carolina Panthers to Charlotte, North Carolina. That's right, the Carolina Panthers are our hero, and they're on a journey that follows the same structure seen in timeless epics the world over. Take a look at Campbell's mythic structure, broken down into 17 different stages: Sweet hot damn, if this isn't a a mirror of the journey of the 2015 Carolina Panthers I don't know what is. Let's break it down, step by step. 1) Call to Adventure! It's Week one, and the Panthers take on the Jacksonville Jaguars. It's the beginning of the season, where everyone's undefeated. Much maligned all preseason as marginal at best, Carolina grabs a hard-fought victory and advances to 1-0. The journey has begun. 2) Refusal of the Call. Every hero faces trepidation, the terror of the unknown and the possibility of failure. With Luke Keuchly lost the week before, a sense of inadequacy filled the hearts of our heroes, a weakening of confidence as the JJ Watt-led Texans marched into town. But the refusal in the head is always overcome by a stirring in the heart, and the Panthers stepped up and produced a win. 3) The Magic Helper. When the hero commits fully to the journey, his aid becomes known. It's usually magic, and it usually comes from an unexpected place. For Luke Skywalker it was Ben Kenobi and the Force. For the Panthers it was ...Mike Shula? Suddenly the Panthers were making good use of personnel, scheming around talent deficiencies, and scoring points, with Shula pulling the strings behind the scenes. The Saints went down hard. 4) Crossing First Threshold. Here the hero enters into the realm of the unknown for the first time. And the Panthers, utterly destroying the Buccaneers for four quarters, found themselves stepping onto the path of a 4-0 undefeated team. Suddenly people were using words like "elite" (if only skeptically) to describe them, and our heroes found themselves on the cusp of true initiation. The Bucs were one thing, but the Seahawks were quite another. 5) Belly of the Whale. The hero lives his world behind for good, finally separated from his old self. When Greg Olsen caught a game-winning touchdown pass against a foe that had sent them seething to the locker room for nearly half a decade, the Panthers entered this stage of the journey. They underwent a metamorphosis that day, and suddenly the world noticed something new about the Carolina Panthers. They were... dangerous. 6) Road of Trials. With the emotion of the Seahawks game passed, our heroes settled in for the long haul. Sixteen games takes a lot of focus. After several weeks of emotional highs and blown-up scoreboards and jaw-dropping highlight plays, the contest against the Philadelphia Eagles brought them down to earth in what was more or less a war of attrition, and probably the most boring game of the season. Cam threw some ugly interceptions. Ted Ginn dropped balls. Greg Olsen was marginal. The Panthers won, but they carried a lot of questions to the locker room. They had problems to fix. 7) Meeting with the Goddess. At this point in the journey, the hero has faced serious hardships and is in need of morale boosters and an infusion of courage. In this case it was none other than Mother Rain. The field was a maelstrom that night, and the second play from scrimmage was an Andrew Luck fumble, and from there the ass-kicking was on. The Colts would come back to force overtime, but the goddess of precipitation had other plans, letting a soaked football slip out of the outstretched arms of TY Hilton and into Luke Keuchly's outstretched arms. A gift from the heavens. Panthers win. 8) Temptation. Oh, here was temptation. The Panthers were 7-0, one of the best teams in the league, and the temptation to buy into their own hype was enormous. But Ron Rivera, man of discipline, father of stalwart focus, would not let them. They shithoused the Packers, embarrassing them in the first half and making several clutch plays in the second to seal off a comeback attempt. With the lackluster Tennessee Titans up next, the temptation was stronger still. 9) Atonement with the Father. But Ron Rivera wouldn't let them. Ron Rivera, the strongest influence in their football lives, here infused them with power through a special encounter. Against the Titans, Cam infamously danced in the end zone after a hard-fought score, bringing the wrath of loser defensive ends and the pearl-clutching mother of the new Antebellum. The team dabbed on 'em, took group photos. They laughed and they rioted and they partied. And Ron Rivera - coach, father, mentor - sanctified it. Our heroes were validated by the man they loved the most. Our heroes were ready for a run. 10) Apostasis. Dying to the self. Rebirth, a new identity. This happened twice in two consecutive weeks. Cam Newton died to his former self, throwing a record five touchdown passes en route to a four-quarter thrashing of the Redskins, the first time in his career he'd done it. And four days later, Luke Keuchly destroyed Tony Romo's fragile confidence, taking one to the house and punching Tony Romo in the face, the first time in his career he'd done either. Clark Kent had become Superman and Steve Rogers had become Captain America. They wouldn't look back. 11) The Ultimate Boon. In the hero's journey, the boon is usually the hero's ultimate goal. No boon but a Lombardi would suffice, but sweeping the hated Saints was arguably the regular season's most valuable plunder. And plunder they did. Superman took them for five touchdowns, leading a clutch last-minute drive for victory and advancing the team to 12-0. 12) Refusal of Return. Heroes often find themselves at a crossroads, a refusal of return, having found bliss and enlightenment in the world they've occupied. But E.T. had to phone home. And the Panthers, now the NFL's last undefeated, found themselves vulnerable, with the entire league aiming to shoot them down. But they suited up and they came home and they trounced the Falcons, 38-0. 13) Magic Flight. The hero has gained something of value in his journey and must bring it home to the people: a victory, or a rescue, a healing potion, the culmination of the journey. In Rescuers Down Under, it was Bernard the Mouse, milquetoast though he was, on Orville the Albatross, a high-stakes gambit to save Cody from McLeach and that lizard thing. In the 2015 Carolina Panthers, it was a high-flying shootout with the New York Giants in the hardest test our heroes had faced all season. Do or die, they were told, and they did. The Giants died. 14) Rescue from Without. Here, on the brink of return, our hero is wounded. Injured, weakened from the fight. The Panthers lost to the Falcons in a dismal end to the greatest winning streak the franchise had ever seen. The needed one last shot of power, one last infusion of confidence to catapult them over the edge. And they got it from none other than Cam Newton, who took them into the Buccaneers without his running game and leading wide receiver and led his team to victory. 15) Crossing the Return Threshold. Our heroes completed the season at 15-1, but the journey wasn't over yet. Our heroes still had a treasure to bring home. To do it they'd have to start by defending their home against the final onslaughts of the enemy. That threshold was Bank of America Stadium, and there they displayed the prowess they'd gained on their journey, brutally dumping 31 first-half points on the Seahawks for the entire world to see. They made a statement, and the city of Charlotte, its heroes at their gates, sang with hope. Victory was at their doorstep. 16) Master of Two Worlds. In the classical hero's myth, the journey up until this point has been a strengthening: the hero, once week and feeble, has, through his trials and tribulations, gained a series of strengths along the way. At this stage of the journey, preparing for his final battle, he must put both of his strengths on display. And the Panthers, having struggled at times defensively all year, at times offensively when needing to close out a game, demolished the media-touted Arizona Cardinals in a victory so staggeringly complete that Ron Rivera had to decline field goals and touchdowns just to save his enemy from allowing 50+ points. The stage has been set for the final component of the hero's journey: 17) The Freedom to Live. Mastery leads to the freedom of fear from death. Our heroes are whole. Our heroes are strong, courageous, mighty, and full of lust for final victory. They are masters of themselves, masters of their fate, masters of destiny. Forward they charge on Sunday, against the Denver Broncos, masters of football, masters of offense, masters of defense, masters of point-scoring and masters of pain. On Sunday the journey ends. On Sunday Charlotte's heroes bring home its boon. 31-20 Panthers View full article
  8. i am going to break my mother fuging seat
  9. the 80s truly had an embarrassment of riches when it came to montage songs
  10. when i watched the movie last night and saw them get in that shitbanger of a jalopy at the beginning i thought hmmm, what would SCP do in this situation? so i named it in detail and appropriated it to redskins fans. thank you for the style guide SCP
  11. "C'mon, you'll make plenty of friends!" said Mrs. LaRusso, her motherly smile an attempt at reassurance as the decrepit 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle Malibu wagon (a model now driven exclusively by Redskins fans) fired up and shuddered up the street, away from the familiar comforts of the east coast, bound for the faraway west. Daniel LaRusso didn't make friends. Daniel LaRusso showed up to his first-ever West Coast party a few days later and made the simultaneous mistake of talking to the hottest girl on the beach and weighing ninety pounds. Her ex-boyfriend, Johnny Lawrence, showed up with his pals and proceeded to beat the living hell out of Daniel, who ended the first confrontation gagging up the bile from his burst spleen into the sand while the object of his affection watched with a mixture of pity and disgust. He needs to learn to defend himself, everyone thought. Maybe learn karate. Because this is pathetic. It's the same reaction we had in 2012 when Cam Newton dumped a game-winning touchdown pass at Ben Hartsock's feet and ended the game. Hopefully next time Louis Murphy or Joe Adams would make a play to bail him out. That's right, Panthers fans. Remember that? No one wants to remember that horrible travesty of a game, but they need to, because it's the first of a long series of modern-era confrontations between the Seahawks and the Panthers. Just like Johnny Lawrence always happened to run into Daniel at the most inconvenient of times, so to have the Panthers found themselves constantly running into the Seahawks. And just like Johnny always beat the bleeding piss out of Daniel - on a soccer field, down an embankment on a bike, in the aftermath of a Halloween prank where Daniel nearly got the best of him - so too have the Seahawks historically beat the piss out of the Panthers. 2012: loss. Cam inaccurate, threw for career low, missed game-winning touchdown. 2013: loss. Close game, DeAngelo Williams coughed up the ball on the game-winning drive late in the fourth. 2014: loss. Wilson threw a touchdown to Wilson with :47 left on the clock for a 13-7 win. 2014 (playoffs): loss. Cam threw a game-losing pick-six during a game-tying drive. "GOD we need a left tackle." What a disaster! Black eyes, scraped foreheads, broken spirits. Having to dodge the asshole around your girl, who looks at you with sweet sympathy instead of alluring pride. Daniel LaRusso didn't get to play grabass with Elisabeth Shue and the Panthers stormed home every time, ashamed, throwing their battered bicycle into the garbage can and screaming at their mom to take them back to the east coast. But then something miraculous happened. Ron Rivera taught them all karate. That's right, Ron Rivera trained them. He took those scrawny sons of bitches, strapped Japanese sandpaper clogs onto their hands, and made them do hard and dirty work all summer long. Ron was instilling a culture, and this was the final act. He was training them to beat the bullies, to finally persevere, and he was training them to do it on one of the biggest national stages the team had ever seen. Now let's look at the Daniel-san's journey for a second. The moral of the story - and indeed, the entire philosophical underpinning of his training - is that kicking someone's ass is secondary to the purpose of learning martial arts. Karate is a physical extension of something mental and spiritual. It's a discipline, a way of life. You learn karate so you don't have to fight. Karate is a way. This, ultimately, is the lesson Daniel-san learns from his training. And halfway through the saga he's already defeated Johnny and the Cobra Kai assclowns: he has not bested them in competition, but he's transcended them. He exists on a higher plane than they. He has beat them, both mentally and spiritually, and because he knows he can beat them physically, the fight is irrelevant. Right? Much like the Panthers beat the Seahawks earlier in the season, Daniel-san had already won. It was over. And when that tournament came, the one where he was supposed to prove to Mr. Miyagi, the Cobra Kai dojo, Elisabeth Shue, and Johnny Lawrence that he could beat that ass, it was really only just icing on the cake, philosophically speaking. Mr. Miyagi knew this. "Daniel-san already win," he reassured the boy. But they all knew, deep down, that it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to best Johnny mentally and spiritually. It wasn't enough that the Cobra Kai practitioners would walk away from the tournament with an immense amount of respect for trying so hard and getting that far. It wasn't enough that sometime in the future they'd probably stop picking on him because of that respect. No, that wasn't enough, and Daniel-san knew it. Daniel-san was gonna have to crane-style somebody's ass to end this. On Sunday the Panthers take on the Seattle Seahawks. They've already won; they beat the Seahawks in October, finally proving to themselves that they've got the mettle and the resolve to take on a foe who's been bullying them for years. But the Panthers don't want internal gratification alone. They don't want manifested philosophy and the fulfillment of inner harmony. No, they want that fucking trophy. And they're gonna have to smash some fucking skulls to do it. We all know how this ends. Daniel beats off all his competition, including Steve McQueen's son and the kid who looks like Mark Hamill, and before you can scream "PUT HIM IN A BODYBAG JOHNNY!!!!!" he's in a crane stance, mimicking the opening move of the Okinawan Isshin-ryu kata Hakutsuru, and throws a fatal jumping front snap kick into Johnny's oncoming perfect Hollywood jaw. Johnny grovels and inexplicably pushes his own face vacuum cleaner style across the ring in complete disgrace while Daniel-san, met by the approving roar of the crowds, hoists the trophy, evokes a single tear from Mr. Miyagi's left eye, and invariably gets some ass that night, champion of the All Valley Karate Tournament. Panthers win 28-19. God bless you all. View full article
  12. haha that's the rhythm and meter i used a couple years ago for the poem contest
  13. i didn't win the lottery but i'd rather have this anyway
  14. we rested so many dudes against the bucs and still beat that ass. i can't wait to see these guys roll out sunday.
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