hepcat

1) In QB Tom Brady's first game back from his suspension for under-inflated footballs, a pit to hell opens up at midfield and swallows him whole. Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, watching in horror as his longtime star QB is enveloped by flames, begins to repent his many sins right there the sideline. Unfortunately after his repentance, Belichick morphs into a strange half-duck half-raccoon type creature that suffers and dies on the field. Patriots fans are stunned. AFC East fans throw parades in their respective cities singing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" which is enjoyed by many through in depth media coverage. 2) As we all expected, Eagles head coach Chip Kelly turns out to be a closeted mime and starts calling plays from inside an invisible glass box. His players become confused and disoriented by the lack of leadership and start calling their own plays. Kelly, furious at his teams inability to understand his innovative way of calling plays, throws out an invisible rope to pull QB Sam Bradford off the field. Instead, he lassoes RB DeMarco Murray, dragging him around the field like a rag doll, shocking the Eagles fans into thinking he might suffer the same fate as Tom Brady and Bill Belichick did. At the post game press conference, Chip Kelly, now donning full mime makeup and attire, vanishes from behind the podium in a puff of white smoke. The Eagles go on to struggle the rest of the year, with Kelly's whereabouts still unknown. 3) After a close loss to the 49ers in the preseason, Texans fans burn down their stadium, killing all of the players. Still needing to fill those games on the schedule, Roger Goodell enacts emergency plan #432X, reinstating the Oilers franchise in the city of Houston. Filling the roster with street free-agents and unsigned rookies, QB Warren Moon decides to come out of retirement to lead the replacement franchise in a way that only old Warren Moon could. The team plays home in the still-standing Astrodome, bringing back memories from the early 90's. Moon actually performs quite well for a 58 year old man, beating the Jacksonville Jaguars twice. 4) QB Russell Wilson decides he'd rather play baseball after seeing a picture of Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll without his makeup on. Forced to start Marshawn Lynch's step-brother Farquan Blinch at QB, the Seahawks struggle to find a rhythm on offense but squeak a few wins out by giving Marshawn 694 carries. After a brutal season, Lynch retires at the most boring press conference ever, saying only two words: "No comment." 5) Unbeknownst to him through hidden audio recordings, Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank is revealed to be a chronic bed-shitter. QB Matt Ryan, disgusted by the news, yells "Get the f**k off our field" to the embattled team owner during a heated practice. Blank responds by cutting Ryan mid-season after he undergoes extreme plastic surgery to tighten his butthole to prevent further bed-shitting incidents. The resourceful Blank saves the audio from his bed-shitting scandal, and pumps the sound into his stadium during home games. Opposing teams begin to sh!t themselves at the sounds. Despite this strategic advantage, the Falcons struggle without a QB while Matt Ryan signs with the Buffalo Bills, leading them to a Superbowl victory.

Foster only had good games against the Falcons

That was like the kid who was the first to wear the new pair of Air Jordan's to school

Top 5 WR coach in the NFL, no question.

I think Panthers fans are a little weird on Thompson maybe because Shaq was a luxury pick and he's missed all the mini-camps and OTAs until today. He probably won't get as much playing time as Funchess will either, so he will get the spotlight more.

Camp body to push Brandon Williams and Richie Brockel.

People forget he was actually a promising receiver because of that one play, AS A PUNT RETURNER, against Arizona. With Ginn back he shouldn't have to do that anymore. Still he's fighting for a roster spot again this year - and if he doesn't get one he'll definitely get picked up on another NFL team.

Obviously we're all disappointed to see Bersin on the list for punt returner. But he will probably still make the roster because he is a decent and improving WR. I just hope Ginn doesn't get hurt and they put him back there again.

​Andrew Luck is getting more. I actually don't think it'll be close. Luck straight up carries an otherwise pretty mediocre team to the playoffs every year (albeit in a WEAK ass division). Wilson plays on one of the most talented rosters in the NFL with an amazing defense. A defense that carried them to the Superbowl in 2013 and got them close to another one in 2014. Wilson will play hardball and say "OMG I have a Superbowl ring I should be paid more than any other QB getting an extension right now" but his numbers are closer to Cam's so I expect him to get a contract comparable to Newton's, whereas Luck will probably be the highest paid QB in the NFL.

I imagine Luke will be paid close to what JJ Watt makes. There's no QUESTION he will be the top paid MLB in the game, maybe the top paid defensive player.

​If they're smart they're trying to re-sign Norman now. He is primed for a career year and even a 2 year extension for him would be wise. Even after Newton's extension the Panthers will still have north of $40 million in cap space in 2016 (none of which will count towards a new Kuechly contract since the Panthers used the fifth year option tag on him), and in 2017 when Charles Johnson and Jonathan Stewart both come off the books (and I doubt either are with the team past 2017), the Panthers currently have over $100 million in cap space in 2017. You read that right....Panthers are in GREAT financial shape in the coming seasons. Gettleman did an AMAZING job. He knew he had to clear money for Cam and he did.

BTW - remember the 2015 Top 100 video of Cam? They had that offensive intro about the letter that inbred kid wrote about Cam? They also said he was unranked last year when he was really ranked 24? I emailed them and told them to erase the intro and fix the error. AND THEY DID. http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000000495161/article/cam-newton-panthers-agree-to-mega-extension

Let us all rejoice.

I forgot neg rep was a thing here once

Man it's definitely the offseason..... But definitely the Patriots. Revenge.

Dr Piefinger and the Banana Squeezers

Test post

Oh God I remember that. I'm still shaking my head at that decision.

There is still a ton of quality music out there, but it's not mainstream and you have to dig to find it. Quality, talented musicians don't make money anymore and all popular music are "promotable Hollywood" style people marketed to young and painfully dumb people who buy albums with their parents money.

That's a good question. Seems kinda fuged up the defense could score 6 on a play that the offense can only score 2.

They've had a few flash in the pan guys on the cover. Vince Young? Peyton Hillis?

When a team cuts a player after only his second season....something is wrong.

I got a better idea let's trade them all of our 2016 draft picks for Greg Hardy

What happened with Funchess yesterday? Was he just dehydrated? Was he the guy Olsen called out on Twitter? https://twitter.com/JaredStanger/status/596793975056375808

I called this. It was too obvious